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Saturday, March 29, 2014

The Shoulds and An Open Heart














Deception I tell you.
Another snow fall. Just enough to cover the ground and streets for half a day.
And it's cold. Our coats are still stuffed into the car seat buckles.
We are still in our boots and mittens.
It's spring but it's not really spring.
And it's got me thinking
about patience
about parenting
about how sometimes my parenting doesn't "look" as it "should."

I love them more than life. No one could ever love them as I do.
They are the brightest, the cutest, the funniest. I know them at their best and their worst. They have changed the world, they will change the world. All the same things mommas think and feel of their babies.

AND I have had some horrible days recently. The kind of days where all of the above thoughts don't seem to be in the forefront of my mind. Where connection never sparked. The kind of days where patience never rang the doorbell and even if it had I probably wouldn't have let it in. The kinds of days where my voice was loud, my face scary. The kind of day that requires forgiveness from myself first.

And why? What is behind these days that happen infrequently but happen?

Time lines. Pressure to get it done.
Conflicting agendas. Mine, theirs, ours.
Expectations. Of them and me.
Transition.

Three and one half and twelve months. Two very different people. Two very different ages. Both so active. Both so independent. Both need to be so close, in their own ways.  Both exploring their own worlds beside one another. Only one bridge.
Me.

Me. The one who should have all the housework done, or at least start it.
Me. The one who should read more parenting books.
Me. The one who should know all the right things to say at the right times.
Me. The one who should be a better example. ALL. THE. TIME.

It's tough.
It's scary.
I don't have the answers. Sometimes I don't even know where to look for the answers.

I only know what makes it a little bit better for me.

Find the soft spot.
It's there. Somewhere.
Maybe buried deeper than I thought.
With time, sometimes a lot of time, it can be
Uncovered. The spot where vulnerability lies.
Live vulnerable. Parent vulnerable.
Parent from the part of my heart that fears and
doesn't give up even after one hundred less than perfect attempts.
From the part of my heart that isn't afraid to say
"I don't know."
"Tell me how."
"I made a mistake."
"I am sorry."
"Let's talk about it."
Parent from the whole of my heart.
Be human.

Because more than all the things I should be doing, should be saying, should be teaching is to be human. To find the softness, the tenderness and stay there.
To forgive myself.
To practice.
To be patient with myself first.
To open my heart even when I'd rather close the door and put up the closed sign.

What an amazing gift... an open heart
imperfect
exposed
real
soft
full
human.

The Shoulds don't live there. Just Me.
Me. The one that was meant for them.
Me. The one that loves them like no other.
Me. Just Me
...
Some food for thought on this snow covered spring day.

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