The Mamas Club

Welcome To the The Mother magazine's Blog Carnival: "Friendship and Connection" The Mother magazine is a holistic, natural mothering publication. It is with great pleasure that we share this topic with such a talented group of bloggers. You will find links to the each of the other posts at the end of this one. We hope you enjoy them!

It has been a terrible morning. 

There have been multiple spills, siblings yelling and hitting.

Breakfast is still all over the table and floor, and the living room.

There is what feels like a vortex of chaos at the very start of my morning.

It is loud. Grating. And difficult to remain patient on so very little sleep.

The strongest black coffee that I can brew hasn't made it into my cup yet.

The internal battle between the nurturing unconditional Mama and the pregnant woman who watches pandemonium unfold from outside of her own body is already raging at this early morning hour. I can feel myself unraveling. I know I am going to yell. I know I have to contain myself.

Pull it together. Breathe. Get the Coffee in the Cup. Try to Connect. 

It's hard to hear my own pep talk in the midst of this maelstrom. 

My little boy suddenly appears, smacks me in the belly and runs away. 

The top pops off.

I yell.  

A few not very nice words.

Everyone is tearful now and loud. 

I just made my job that much harder. And I feel terrible about myself. 

My auto-script of negative self-talk is about to unfold: 

I don't know what I am doing. I will never get this right. I am ruining them. Why can't I just be better at this? Why can't I just be a different person: a different Mom? 

Instead I decide on a sincere apology. We sit down in the hallway.  

Cry, talk, reconnect. Forgive.

After some reading time, play time, and a few giggles, I open my email. 

An invite from new friends to play in their sandbox this afternoon. 

Although this invitation comes as a relief I debate whether today is the right day for this venture.

These things can be hit or miss:

refereeing conflict between yet another child,

not sure of the exact right words to use this time,

trying not to sound like I am begging my children to leave when we have worn out our welcome,

and that feeling of not measuring up as I sit in another Mama’s pristine house with perfectly organized toys and labeled shelves to place them on.

These are exclusive clubs, you know, the "We Are Mamas Clubs".

Membership requires similar parenting tactics and/or principles, similarly behaved children, children that actually like each other, mothers that feel the same.

And I am still trying to find my tribe.

But okay, we need to get out and maybe it’s worth the risk.

I time it perfectly. The baby catches a quick nap in her car seat while my boy plays with friends. I sit on the stoop with my new friend watching the kids play in the falling leaves. 

"How's your day going?" she asks. 

"Uhh, terrible." I can’t help but unload. 

I tell her about this morning. I confess to yelling. I tell her about my unrealistic expectations of my children - of myself. I complain about all the little inconveniences and big hormones of pregnancy.

She rubs my shoulder and that is enough to lift some of the heaviness of the morning.

How rare it is to be mothered when you are a mother. 

She says, “ I remember when I was pregnant with my second a friend reminded me about the Goddess Kali. The mother goddess who is at once nurturing and vicious.” 

Photo: Premnath Thirumalalsamy

I remember Kali. The Mother who is simultaneously feared and adored, the bringer of destruction and creation. She suckles her offspring while ripping off the heads of those that stand in the way of peace. She is an archetypal conundrum and I am reminded that

I am not alone.

The baby has woken. We follow the kids inside. 

Our conversation slows as we attend to our children. But even being inside her house feels like the perfect thing today. 

It feels familiar here. 

Toys are everywhere. Unfolded laundry has been thrown into baskets and into the corner. Dishes are piled high in and around the sink. Uneaten lunch is still lingering on the table. 

It’s not only my house that looks like the hub of destruction and creation. 

Kids are yelling, running, making messes. 

We are calm. 

We are attentive. 

We redirect, affirm, smile, snuggle.

We nurse our babies midst the chaos. 

We are Mamas of Kali’s not- so- exclusive club. 

Don't forget to follow "The Best Things" so you won't miss a thing! 

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Thank you for visiting The Mother magazine blog carnival, read further and enjoy the other fantastic bloggers!

 

Hope in the Heartache, Light in the Darkness

"A child heats your lap with a fever that rages fire. Your chest heaves, holding an unimaginable weariness like a weight pinning you to the floor. Tears threaten at your lashes. In this moment you want to cry out; for help, for understanding..." Follow Starr and The Mother magazine • Facebook • Twitter

The Mama Club

"The internal battle between the nurturing unconditional Mama and the pregnant woman who watches pandemonium unfold from outside of her own body is already raging at this early morning hour. I can feel myself unraveling. I know I am going to yell. I know I have to contain myself. Pull it together. Breathe. Get the Coffee in the Cup. Try to Connect."

Follow Kati from THE BEST THINGS • Facebook • Twitter

•••

The Dream Friendship

"For me a true friendship is built on honesty, love, trust and belief in each other. When you have a friend with this kind of connection life is so much easier, especially the journey of motherhood." Follow Vicky from MOTHERING A DREAM •••

Twins and Friendship

"After I had my twins and the weeks turned into months I began to feel afraid the words may ring true. I began to feel estranged from my old self, as if she had died but I had just then realized it. I felt as if I were imprisoned in my own home..." Follow Miranda from Twinning It • Facebook • Twitter •••

The Red Thread

"I feel blessed by the integrity of those women who I call friends, and am deeply thankful for the bonds that knit our lives together, even when we’re separated by long distances and busy lives. We connect at a heart level." Follow Veronika Sophia Robinson • Facebook • Twitter •••

On Kindred Spirits

"At times, I envy the ease with which my toddler makes friends. When we are at the park, now that we're (mostly) past the how-dare-you-play-on-MY-slide phase, making friends is generally as simple as "I'm small; you're small; let's play!" And off Bug goes with whatever other little kid happens to be there that day, while I look on wistfully."

Follow Holly from Leaves of Lavender

•••

Where Moms Make Friends in the Digital Age

"Before the Internet, moms met each other at Mothers’ Centers, when they dropped off and picked up their kids from nursery school, at child birth classes, in their neighborhood where moms used to knock on each others’ doors for tea and a chat, and at work"

Follow Laurie Hollman, PhD • Facebook • Twitter

Pastimes Have Passed Me By...

Welcome to the April 2014 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Pastimes
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared stories and wisdom about family pastimes. ***



...so much so that I had to look up the definition of the word.

Pastime: noun . something that serves to make time pass agreeably; a pleasant means of amusement, recreation, or sport  (dictionary.com)

Oh, yes. I remember pastimes.

Before children I had many. Drawing, painting, beading, sewing, reading, writing, running, epicurean experiments, movies, not to mention napping. All in one day.

And oh the many completed projects. And even some accomplishments: a few art shows, a few 5Ks. Even with one child I was able to “pass some time” during naps. With a drawing in an art exhibit to show for it.

 

Now, (with a three year old and a one year old) my pastimes are patchy at best.

Babe-O's unfinished baby quilt. In progress for the last 4 years.

A few stitches here. A few lines written there. Napping is out. And completing projects happens over weeks, sometimes months, even years, sometimes not at all. Like a dress for Babe-ala, some shorts for Babe-O so that I can measure just how much they have grown.

Pastimes like reading, exercising, cooking, even sewing have included little hands and a different perspective on my part.

Cooking is an exercise in camouflaging vegetables like these squash apple muffins or our recent spaghetti without spaghetti dinner.  And an exercise in flexibility. Letting some eggshell drop in, allowing a generous amounts of spice to enter the batter, having less than perfectly shaped cookies emerge from the oven with their own piping hot glory.

Art projects can seem daunting, especially when I think about wax resist watercolor painting with collage photo transfers, or plaster casts of molded clay . Simplicity is best. Watercolors and paintbrushes make for a great any-day masterpiece. Popsicle sticks lead to hours of fun.  So do scissors and scrap paper. A few branches brought inside become a "new house" for us to play and read in.

Messy play has become very important to our family. Like action figures and paint! Mud pies and squirrel stew! Baby painting! Giving them the space to experiment, play, make a mess*, do/make something other than what was intended. Honor the process - don't just tolerate it.  Enjoy it.  Live it. Make a mess. Make magic. Together. And love it.
      * Don't do what makes you crazy. Glue makes me crazy. I "stick" with contact paperfor collage projects.

Often our projects don't turn out as I intended. Sewing on the machine often involves little feet on the pedal and wonky seams and hem lines. Projects, even recipes, get dropped mid-way because sometimes a more familiar activity is comforting. Patience. Give time. Split a project up into small parts for those whose attention is so easily directed elsewhere. Let it go. Pick it up later. Accept that I won't always see or even know what was gained.

Yes, this means I have given up that satisfying feeling of a completed project that comes after a hard day's work. Being able to step back and say ahh, that is exactly what I had imagined and I made that.  For now.

For right now, my favorite pastime is finding “something that serves to make time pass slowly, with intention and that helps me savor this time in my life and theirs - full of possibility.” My favorite pastime is witnessing my children grow, showing them my love of creating. Collecting smiles and giggles along the way. Making memories and magic.  And making sure they know that the best thing I have created has been them. 

 

 

*** Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting! Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• 8 Reasons to Go Camping with Your Kids — The weather is warmer, and it is time to think about taking a break. As you plan your family vacation, Mandy of Living Peacefully with Children, guest posting at Natural Parents Network, explains why you should consider hitting the trails with your kids.
• Crafty Cohorts — Kellie at Our Mindful Life enjoys crafting with her kids, and the skills they are learning.
• 10 Hobbies For Families With Young Children — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama knows that finding hobbies families can do together (with young children in tow) isn't always the easiest of feats. She has compiled a list of 10 family friendly hobbies that children of all ages can enjoy and that won't break the bank!
• Helping Himawari — Sophelia's family at Sophelia's Adventures in Japan share a passion for helping when a dog is abandoned at the nearby elementary school.
• The 'Art' of Having Fun — Marija Smits shares some thoughts on family art and fun.
• How we made our own Family Day — Lauren at Hobo Mama shares how her family celebrates the best day of the week, a chance for connection and adventure and endless possibilities: Family Day!
• Our Family Hobby — Survivor talks about how animal husbandry has become her family's favorite hobby at Surviving Mexico Adventures and Disasters.
• Sowing the Seeds of Passions — Christy at Eco Journey In The Burbs wonders if her interests, and her husband's, will shape her children's passions as they mature.
• Harry Potter Potions Party — One of the best activities Dionna at Code Name: Mama has ever done with her family has been a Harry Potter Potions Party. She is sharing the resources she used to create their potion recipes, the ingredients and tools they experimented with, and the recipes themselves. Feel free to use and adapt for your own budding wizards and witches!
• Pastimes Have Passed Me By — Kati at The Best Things takes a new perspective on projects that never get done.
• Food as a cultural experience for preschoolers — Nathalie at Kampuchea Crossings finds that food is a good way to engage her preschoolers on a journey of cultural discovery.
• 10 Reasons I Love Thrifting With My Children — That Mama Gretchen has always enjoyed shopping, but with a growing family she's become more frugal and thus, her little ones are now in tow on her thrift store adventures.
• Pastime with Family vs Family Pastime — You can share lots of pastimes with your family, but Jorje of Momma Jorje discovered a family pastime was much more pleasant for sharing.

An Open Letter to Batman

Welcome to the March 2014 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Everyday Superheroes
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have talked about the remarkable people and characteristics that have touched their lives. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
***

Dear Batman,

I have a lot of questions for you.  But to begin, let me help you understand. 

My life is steeped in your presence.

I have a kid. He is three. Despite all of my efforts to divert the development of his super powers, he chooses to emulate you – The Dark Knight, The Caped Crusader, The Head Honcho of The Dynamic Duo, The Greatest Detective in the World. Therefore, I live with you.

I wake up with you. I take you to the bathroom. I drive you around in the various Bat Vehicles. I help protect your secret identity as I explain to everyone that despite being fully regaled in bat attire you are in fact Bruce Wayne when we are in public, NOT Batman. Like you, I have been bitten by the Great White Shark. I have been sprayed with bat spray shark repellant. In the dark hours of night, when the city and citizens sleep, I watch you swing from the bat rope (perhaps not meant to hold your weight) as you keep an eye out for the Bat Signal. I hold my breath and tongue as you slide down the banisters (the Bat Pole) to battle Joker, Two Face, the Penguin, and Cat Woman in my living room, remembering that you are learning about gravity and exerting your power as you jump off of the arms of the couch and the coffee table. I carry you to the Bat Cave when you are weary from fighting villains. I tuck you into the Bat Bed and kiss your head as I remove your mask and cape because I fear that they will choke you in the night.

You might think of me as being like Robin or Alfred. But I am not.

I am Mama.

I know, I know. Your Mom was murdered when you were young and you have spent your life seeking revenge (often violent) on criminals in the name of justice. I am sorry. Horrific. Unimaginable. I am not sure what to say to you about that. I am not sure what to say to my kid about that either. He really wants to know. Because, you see, he really, really wants to be YOU. I am just not good at death, especially being orphaned. So, can you please tell me exactly how to explain to my three year old how you became Batman?

I would also like to know how to make a cape that is safe for my Little Batman. He uses anything that resembles a cape, ties it around his neck, and dangles from poles (towel rods), walks down stairs, and climbs the walls. I need a cape that won’t trip him, strangle him, or leave marks on his neck. One that he can remove or put on quickly so that at the moment his true identity could be compromised or a villain is approaching so he doesn’t have to ask his Mom for help (because really? that is just not cool). More importantly, how I can make a cape that will protect my Little Batman’s heart?  That will keep it soft and gentle and help him remain connected to the world, to life and all of its beauty and tragedy.

I understand that you do not really have any super powers. You have developed your intellect, spirit, and physical self to battle your enemies. I get that. I do. We are working on those things. So why do you look so juiced up these days Batman? How much protein powder do you put in your smoothies?  I have tried and tried to explain to my little Batman that superheroes need healthy foods to fight crime. He still won’t eat vegetables. So, can you stop putting your picture all over junk foods that my little Batman sees in the supermarket? Please send me your meal plans and make it official looking so that he will be enticed. And Batman, can you reassure me that even though he so badly wants to be you he will know that true strength doesn’t come from being super cut? That what you look like on the outside isn’t a clear reflection of what lies inside? Can you tell me with confidence that despite your emphasis on fighting, he will develop all the parts of himself and overcome the most difficult of enemies any of us have, ourselves?

And while we are on the subject, let me address some of your violent tendencies.

In my house, violence is not tolerated. We don’t hit people. Not even the enemy. Well okay, little Batman sometimes hits people. But we talk about it and why it’s not okay. And one day, hopefully, he won’t hit anymore. He’s getting better at not hitting. But despite your sleuthing and outsmarting it always seems to boil down to a fight accentuated by awesome sound effects that only make it all look the more attractive.  And my Little Batman wants to be YOU.  So as you can see, you are working against me. I think it would be best for all of us (particularly little Batman’s sister), if you could model the intellectual and spiritual aspects of your power a bit more please. Maybe develop your creative side a bit more - you could use your weapons to make sculptures or something. Okay? (This one is actually an order not a request).

Next let me address your treatment of women.

On one hand, I have yet to see you hit a woman. (And let me tell you, I preview EVERYTHING.) I have seen you out-science Poison Ivy and out-smart Cat Woman. You tend to use your Bat rope and various Bat gasses when it comes to capturing villainesses. And even though these criminals ultimately have to be caught, I can’t say that I agree with your tactics of tying up and drugging women.

In addition, whether villainess or superheroine, the women you work with are anatomic anomalies. Their legs and waists could never sustain the weight of their busts and hips. I don’t know who you have to talk to about this but please, real women’s bodies are powerful and beautiful.  

Further, the female superheroes we have seen are merely an extension of their counterparts, as Bat “girl” is merely an extension of yourself. So, I am telling you right now I promote Wonder Woman. And when you team up with her or any other heroine to fight crime don’t offer to pick off the bigger criminal or use your advanced Bat tools. Treat her as your equal. (Also a demand). Your chivalry is patronizing.

So Batman, how are you going to help me make sure that my Little Batman is going to grow up and treat women with respect and dignity?  That includes not assuming that women need help or “saving.” That he will not abuse the power and privilege that comes with being a white male. That he will listen, admire, and support. That he will speak out against injustices against women and minorities.

This is a job for Batman. I would like a response from you. It’s a big responsibility that you have. And frankly, I need some support in raising a kid that really, really wants to be YOU. Get to your bat computer and get me some real good bat answers. Because otherwise I might have to let everyone in on our dirty little secret…

I am the REAL superhero. I am the one patiently, curiously, fearlessly, growing a beautiful, tenderhearted, brilliantly spirited, feminist little boy. A little boy who lets me know at the end of really busy Bat Day, “Mama? I don’t want to be Batman right now. I just want to be Babe-O.”

When you have answers, just send the bat signal. We know what it looks like and we are waiting.

Respectfully,

Mama

***
Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
(This list will be updated by afternoon March 11 with all the carnival links.)

• I Am A Super Hero — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shares how she learned the hard way exactly what it means to be a real super hero and not a burned out shell of a human simply pretending to be one.
• Quiet Heroics — Heroism doesn't have to be big and bold. Read how Jorje of Momma Jorje is a quiet hero…and how you probably are, too.
• Not a Bang, but a Whisper {Carnival of Natural Parenting} — Meegs at A New Day talks about the different types of "superheroes," ones that come in with a bang and ones that come in with a whisper.
• Silent courage of motherhood in rural Cambodia — Nathalie at Kampuchea Crossings marvels at how rural Khmer women defy the odds in childbirth.
• Super Pappy — Mother Goutte's little boy met a superhero in checked slippers and Volkswagen Polo, his grand dad: Super Pappy!
• An Open Letter to Batman — Kati at The Best Things challenges Batman to hold up his end of the deal, in the name of social justice, civic duty, and a little boy named Babe-O!
• My Village — Kellie at Our Mindful Life reflects on the people who helped her to become her best self.
• 5 Lessons My Kids Taught Me — Children are amazing teachers, when we only stop to listen. They remind us to choose happiness, to delight in the small things, to let go and forgive. There is so much we can learn from our children. Justine at The Lone Home Ranger shares a few of the lessons she's learned.
• Could you use some superpowers? — Tat at Mum in search shares a fun activity to help you connect with your own superpowers.
• Like Fire Engines — Tam at tinsenpup tells the story of the day she saw a surprising superhero lurking in the guise of her not entirely mild-mannered four-year-old daughter.
• Everyday Superheroes — Erica at ChildOrganics shares her list of Walker Warburg Syndrome Superheroes that have touched her life forever.
• My Superhero of the Week: Nancy Gallagher — Tribal Mama muses about the transcendent things her superhero mom has done.
• My choice in natural birth does not make me a super hero — Bianca, The Pierogie Mama, discusses her thoughts on her experience with the perception of natural birth and putting those mamas on a different level. Does giving birth naturally give cause for an extra pat on the back? No! All mamas, no matter how they birth, are superheroes.
• Someone's Hero — Sometimes being a parent means pretending to be a grown-up, but it always means you are someone's hero. Read Mandy's lament at Living Peacefully with Children.
• Growing into a Super Hero — Casey at Joyful Courage shares how owning our behavior and choosing to be a better parent, a better person, is an act of courage.
• A Math Superhero — Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling writes that her 7-year-old daughter's superhero is an MIT-trained mathematician.
• It Starts With Truffula Trees And Tulips — Luschka of Diary of a First Child takes a hard look at the realities of her relationship with her mother, and through this post goes on a journey of discovery that ends in a surprise realisation for her.
• We Don't Need an Excuse — Maria Kang (aka "Hot Mom") asks women #WhatsYourExcuse for not being in shape? Dionna at Code Name: Mama asks Hot Mom what her excuse is for not devoting her life to charity work, or fostering dozens of stray dogs each year, or advocating for the needs of others. Better yet, Code Name: Mama says, how about we realize that every woman has her own priorities. Focus on your own, and stop judging others for theirs.
• It's not heroic when you're living it — Lauren at Hobo Mama knows from the inside that homeschooling does not take a hero, and that much of what we choose as parents is simply what works best for us.
• Superheroes, princesses and preschoolers — Garry at Postilius discusses why his preschool-age son is not ready for comic book superheroes.
• The Loving Parents of Children with Special Needs – Everyday Superheroes — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares posts with resources for parents of children with special needs along with posts to help others know how to support parents of children with special needs.
• Everyday Empathy — Mommy Giraffe of Little Green Giraffe shares why her secret superpower is everyday empathy.
• The Simplicity of Being a Superhero — Ana at Panda & Ananaso explains what superheroes mean to her wise three-year-old.
• My Father, The Hero — Fathers are pretty amazing; find out why Christine at The Erudite Mom thinks hers is the bees knees.